I thoguht I was done for the right now but I begin to think about my situation some more. Which will never change. But I was wondering after all the persecution and accusations this man has ladi upon me that I let go he can still find the nerve to throw up past stuff about me in my face. I swear to you the only thing that my husband has had to deal with me is how I get when "he" makes me angry. I either put him out or I don't talk to him. That's it and that's all. What he has done to me will never amount to what he thinks I have done to him. But he can't let it go. My husband thinks he lives for the present and futre but he does'nt. Every time we get in an argument he brings up things so far back in our past that I don't even know what he's talking about, and then he finds the nerve eto get mad at me about that. If I carried alll the stuff that he has done and said and done to me we would'nt even had made it together to have a son. I let all the stuff go but wiht me he can't let go of any of it. Are all men like that? He can't even think of nothing to say about me in the present so he goes back to the past which still was nothing. Anything I've ever said or done to him had nothing to do with another man at all, I never pt him down, and I never judged him for his wrong doings before he met me. To me the past is past. I really don't believe that he even cares about what type of life he's had because of me and my family. He does'nt think about all the scarifices I've made for him. he doesn't realize how hard it is for me to have stayed with him all this time. He doesn't even realize what tyope of man he is. He's so busy portraying his self to other's as some one else that he will never know who he is. I could understand if he was letting people know he was trying to change and wanted to be the type of man he portrays his self to be, but he don't. He put's it out there like he is the perfect man,husband,friend and father. I'm the closest to him and have spent the most time with him and he even tries to fool me. Like my mother says "you can't fool the people who know you, you never can and you never will". People can have a completely different life outside of those who know them. That is something else. I am the same person all day everyday. My husband always says "Look at my actions and don't pay attention to my words". I am looking at his actions but that don't matter...never have and never will. People cheat on thier partners for years and still do what they are suppose to do for the family. Actions don't speak louder than words. Everything is accounted for. Why are there people here just to ruin someone life just to make thier lives better? How can they? Until next time.

I was looking at the "Church Channel" today with my son and one of the speakers said "What you sew in tears you will reap in joy!" another one said "When bad things begin to happen in your life, the good things are just around the corner". It made me feel better and I am going to use those as my inspirations and motivations but it still doesn't change the fact of my life. I wanted to grow old with my husband and have him in my son's life like how father's are suppose to be. But I will never look at him the same way if I do. There will most likely be nothing there anyway. He'll probably just want to stay with me because he won't have to pay any bills and spend his time with other women. I don't think so. He better prepare his self for the world. Why are most men so stupid. Why don't they ever see what they are suppose to see? My husband is 32 years old and while we were seperated the only thing he could think about was having sex with another women! Teenager's do that! When you hit 30 years old your suppose to have the mind set of an adult and prepare your life for settlement or settle down in the life your if if it's a positive one. I' 28 years old and when I was 18 I was with the same guy for 4 years and then I met my husband. I been with him and only him ever since. I've had two main men in my life. Well actually those two plus three others but my husband and the other guy... I was with the longest. I've been wanting to settle down ever since I was 17 years old. As far as my husband I can't even think about having sex with another man or even fantasize about it. Yes i see guy and think they are cute or handsome but it doesn't go pass that. Is something wrong with me? I never cheated on none of the guys I was involved with even if we weren't "together-gether". I just think it is nasty to have sex with multiple people. No offense to anyone. I don't judge. It's just that I don't do it. I can't even think about having sex with another guy if I do make my husband leave. I hope some other speakers come on the "Church Channel" sometime soon because I need some more answers. -Until next time.

I am a housewife right now so even though I have a 8 month year old boy to look after I still have time to think(when he's sleep). When I found out I was pregnant with him I was the happiest person in the world. I thought about all the wonderful things that were going to start happening in my life. I thought about how happy he would be that he has a cool mom that was a real "tom-boy" and that I will play any sports games with him and about how happy he would be to have both parents in the home growing up. I thought about how happy my husband would be because he didn't get the chance to be involved with his first son's upbringing. Some of my thoughts have become a fantasy. It's something I truly want but will never have it. It will only exist in my mind. Now that my marriage, relationship and life might be turned upside down in the next 2-3 weeks (reason in post lableled "Crazy") it's a strong possibility that he won't have two parents growing up. It makes me sad because when he get's old enough I'm going to have to tell him the reason why his father wasn't living with us. I don't know how he will react to it. Life is about so many worries. That's why were all sick. We can't help to worry. Nothing's never just right or atleast right. We can't plan nothing because you never know what's to come when other's are involved. Everynight I pray for thanks and gratefulleness but it ends with " GOD, please continue to give me the will to think, hear, see and do what it is you want me to", and it works, it really does. Because after living for the last 6 months I now it was GOD who had my back. It's nice to have people who do help you out but what about your very own personal help. The things that only you can and have to deal with? It's GOD who makes us so strong. Even if you don't believe in GOD he believes in you and he's always there. In april I found out I was 2 months pregnant again...I lost the baby 2 weeks later. After all the thing that I have been in my life that was the most depressing moment ever. I had just had a baby, my life was and still is my baby's. I had no more to give to anyone else. I was/is exhausted out of my mind. I was always forgetting things, I was tripping over stuff...I couldn't hardly cook and I know how to cook. Even thoguh I am married I do everythiing for my baby. I feed him, I change his diapers, I give him baths, I play with him, and I wake up in the middle of the night with him. My husband don't do any of this. He woke up with him only 3 times in our son's 8 months. He's only fed him maybe 10 times in his 8 months. He's only changed his diapers 5 times and he has never gave him a bath. Your probably saying well he's tired from working. My husband works friday and saturday nights only! He only work 2-3 hours of that time and the rest of the time he's on the phone with me or him and his co-workers are "chillin". We live in low income housing and our son is on WIC. I wash dishes and clothes. I do the cooking. He does clean every now and then but I think it's because he was out doing something he shouldn't have (not neccessarily cheating). He makes it seems like he's so tired when he comes home. He doesn't even realize I work 24 hours a day with our son. What type of father does my son have? What type of role model does he have? I cry everynight because as far as my husband... nothing is what it seems ann I'm afraid that it never will be. Oh! my little boy. Until next time.

Don't you hate when the time comes when you wonder if your significant other ever loved you or had a positive interest in you? I wonder that all the time, Iv'e actually wondered it for the past 3 years. My "husband " told me for the first 4 years of our relationship he had never lied to me, cheated on me and always kept it real. So what does that mean for the last 2 years? Relationships are so messed up? We think they are fantastic at the beginning but when you finally have that momnent of realization it's like the beginning was just a front and after the first year that front comes down. They been hiding behind that front so they can get you where they want you... vulnerable, low self esteem & worth and deperately in love for a reason that really never existed. Do they know they are playing with someones life? You try your hardest to give them everything they need emotionally, physically, mentally ansd sometimes financially but you still end up being the one they want to come down on, be angry at and let thier frustraions out on you. Are they angry because they had to depend on you so much because they can't depend on themselves? Why is it your fault? How do they even concieve the thought that it is your fault? How is it my fault that you decided to make mistakes when I've tried the entire time to show you the right way by being there for you whenever you needed me even when we had to seperate for awhile? i just don't understand and probably never will because I can't think like that. I never really got along with my mother until I was 22 years old because I blamed her for everything that had happened to me. I first started smoking marijuanna(is that how you spell it?) when I was 17 years old. I got drunk alot and was always running away from home just to be around people I know I should'nt have been around. When I was 18 I got raped four times in that same year. No I didn't report it. I felt ashamed and embarrased. When I was 22 and started being around other females, it was the ones who had children that made me realize just how hard it was to have children. I began to understand that being a single woman with triplets and a son who is 10 years older was not a easy job. She had to work, clean, cook, wash clothes and have sometime to herself. How could she have all the time in the world for me? Which is what I wanted. I had no one to talk to, no one to confide in and no one to give me hugs and tell me everythig will be okay. I still don't have that. My husband has never done any of this for me. When I was down about something it was like he didn't know what to do... Well he didn't. He's not even emotionally or mentally stable to even recognize what he needs so how is he going to do it for me? Will I ever find what I need? No! who ever does? Everybody is still unhappy to a certain point no matter where they are in life or who is in thier lives and I believe we always will be because I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible. I ask when does it end? It ends when we die. Until next time.

I grew up without my father. I seen him 3 times in my 28 years. The last time I saw him I was 10 and he told us he was going to get us some money and never came back. At 27 my mother, my 2 sisters, my brother and I went to Alabama for his funeral. He died of cancer in prison. I was a happy little girl up until I was 10 years old which is when my life got turned upside down by one little boy. He had written my path. Oneday I was walking down the hall when I was in the 5th grade and a little boy walked pass me. Well I thought he did. He stopped and told me I looked like a boy. I was 10 years old, the first thing I thought of was how can I look like a boy when I'm a girl? I went home crying. Everyday that little boy teased and tormented me. I had no friends anymore because he made them see what he was seeing and eventually I seen it too. Eeverybody started teasing me. I had my pants pulled down to check for a male sex part, I had tacs put in my seat and I hap shredded paper thrown in my hair. I turned from a happy little girl to a mean little girl. I was a mean teenager, and adult. It got worse when I became a teenager because I started wearing make-up ad I was then called a "dragqueen". From age 13 to now I have had my crotch area grabbed for a male sex paret, my face rubbed for facial hair, my neck checked for an atom's apple, my hands checked out (Big hands run in my family), and I even had the pleasure on many occassions of hearing people tell other people I was a man or asking other's and me if I was a man. Can you imagine going through that? I went out of town with my sisters, brother, mother and niece and nephew and we went to gamble on a boat and behind me was a gay guy. The girl next to him kept starring at me (mind you I was 5 months pregnant) any way I guess the girl was his frined and she told him that I was ugly, and the gay guy said gay guys look better than dragqueens. They were talking baout me. I am as much woman as any other woman. I have a monthly visitor just like all women. I have nothing extra down there. I have what GOD gave me which is women genitals because I am a woman. Black men think they got it hard, over wieght people think they got it hard but try being a black woman who people think is a black man. Can you imagine standing there and hearing that being said about you? I've lost great jobs because of this. I walk with my head down because I don't want to see people's reaction when they see me. I have a skin condition(2 black lines going down under my eyes) so I wear make-up (I think it's from crying so much all my life). I am a woman and I am trying to look more like a woman by wearing makeup. Ain't that crazy? I can't even look like what GOD has made me to be. There were even times I tried to make my husband leave me because of this. I even roll up my windows at a stop light so the car next to me can't see my face and I only go out at dark time if I don't have something important to do during the day. Being pregnant with my son was the best months of my life because people knew I was a woman. There were no if's and's or but's about it. I'd rather be overwieght or have a disability then to be a woman that people think is a man in drag. Come on! How can people say things about you and don't know nothing about you? You wouldn't want my life! Until next time.